I'm stepping into a new phase of life with a 14 year-old and nearly 12 year-old. Some of you will read that first sentence and, from experience, will nod and chuckle to yourself in the adventure that life becomes with teens.....what an adventure it is. There is nothing more confusing to me at this point of parenting than to literally do everything right yet have everything go completely wrong in the process. Communication is almost impossible when the person you are trying to communicate to refuses to communicate. Choosing connection instead of separation in conflict also becomes impossible when the other party would just assume you stop trying and leave- it is maddening, comical and, sometimes, heart-wrenching all at the same time.
A few days ago, I had woken early to get a great breakfast put together for my mini-adults before both of their respective work-outs. I got the 14 year-old off to his lifting schedule and returned to do an hour of cross-country conditioning with my 12 year-old. The sun was out, the lake was sparkling, I was winning....
About 1/2 mile into the run- all the right intentions and preparation became the setting for a complete nightmare. You see, somehow as I was pacing and chatting with my daughter, the pace was too fast and my conversation was not helpful. I slowed down and stopped talking to give space for her to adjust....ran a bit ahead and double-backed to check on her. WRONG MOVE. Double-backing had now supported that I was, in fact, highlighting that she was not running fast enough. The escalation of the scenario snow-balled.
*Now, I can only give you a play-by-play for my experience and intentions...I can't speak for my daughter*
At this point, I truly made a choice to seek God for wisdom and choose gentleness and kindness rather than discipline- even though, it would have been a completely valid time to do so. I turned around, kept the pace and listened for the Lord's direction. "Just keep the pace". I started humming a worship song and patiently waited for her to come alongside me and finish the run. Somewhere between 3-5 minutes later, I turned around to see why she was still lagging.....
She was gone.
Ok. We live in a State Park. My kids are VERY familiar with all the paths- we run or walk them daily. Our neighbors are the other regular frequenters. It's a safe place. And also, I have a stunningly beautiful 12 year-old and I don't know everyone using the park at any given time. Also, said 12 year-old did not choose to bring her phone or I-watch (which one or the other is an expectation for any of us running or walking alone as a safety precaution- including me) so I had zero method of contacting or tracking her down.
First, I assumed that she had pitched a fit and taken off the opposite direction of the trail we were on. This particular trail is a circle that intersects and shares a straightaway to the trailhead- if she had gone the opposite direction, we would intersect in 10 minutes or less.
At this point, I was royally ticked. I was processing how to discipline this temper-tantrum while also being aware I had 1/2 hour left before I needed to be in my car 2 miles away and picking up my son. As I started to whistle and call-out to her, I was planning on what the most efficient way would be to get these outbursts under control....with every attempt at locating her or intersecting her failing; I was getting angrier until the anger became concern.
This is my extremely timely and routine honoring kid. It is not in her character to be late for things or cause others to be late. She knew we were on a time crunch and, now, we should've intersected opposite directions and she was still nowhere to be found.
Pause
For all mom's out there, there has at least been one time in your parenting career where the dread of losing a child takes place. It is an awful feeling and a hotbed for the enemy to come in and REALLY screw with your rationale. It can be completely illogical that your child is truly missing, but man, in those situations even slight persuasion can become a massive battle and have you convinced that your kid has been abducted, sold into trafficking, etc
This tiny thought crept into the back of my calm and rational mind, "but IF something did happen to her, remember that the first minutes are the most important for location"......excuse my response, but where the hell does a thought come from like that in that moment? I had it under control and then some Hallmark movie or "The Deep End of the Ocean" excerpt sneaks in right when I thought I was handling things fine and BOOM panic creeps in and I can't figure out what the right parenting move is in this is, do I stay calm and go home and wait for her or am I wasting precious moments to locate her....those thoughts, when accompanied by fear come from exactly where I asked------hell.
I recognized this in the presence of fear and stopped everything to hear God. You know what He said? "Go Home." For those of you that want to know what it is for me to hear God- in this moment it was a repetitive and soothing thought that just kept echoing. I knew it was God because it was completely counterintuitive to go back home when I could intercept her on a circle path. Going home would put complete trust that nothing happened.
I paced and struggled and finally started running back home. Now, I was going to be late to get my son and I still hadn't connected back with my daughter. I had my husband worried and all the beauty of the morning had faded into grey as the onslaught of thoughts attacked me with the "what-ifs" of every situation possible. That whole "take your thoughts captive" is great when it's one at a time, having a barrage of thoughts is exhausting and I would lie to say I was winning in choosing truth over lie in every instance.
The worst lie that kept infiltrating my thoughts "You're a terrible mother".
You guys, there are instances where the enemy would persuade you into thinking you're a bad parent when actually you are a fantastic, loving parent that is living in the reality of your kid having their own will and process. Teens are the first phase of a will and process actually having more freedom and access than ever before which- sets us up for days like this one I just had.
Running down the road towards my house I encountered one of my neighbors- I stopped her to ask if she'd seen my daughter. She had not. Any composure I had maintained left in that moment as I hastily explained the situation. She reassured me the safety of our park and told me it'd be ok as she continued to run her route (which would cover the other direction in case my daughter had taken that route).
I kept running home and flagged down the first car coming from our neighborhood in hopes that they had seen her.....no, but they would double-back towards the trail and have her call me from their cell should they run into her.
Side note: Man, I'm glad that God double-backs for me. I am so grateful He's already gone ahead and made sure everything is set and then returned to my side to lead me through....I am thankful for double-backs.
My husband called as I approached our mail house, I still had not reconnected with her 1/2 hr later. I was miserable, scared and so out of my league in what to do or be prepared to do. God told me to go home, she wasn't there.
My phone started to buzz and unknown number.
"Mom, I'm almost home".
The wonderful couple that had double-backed to the trail had intercepted her, they went out of their way to help me and in one phone call 1/2 hour later----everything quieted down inside once more..
I just found myself exhaling again typing that sentence. 1/2 hour of separation. 1/2 hour of no communication. 1/2 hour of fear. 1/2 hour of feelings of failure, confusion, irrationality, question. 1/2 hour of battle.
Then. She was home.
I cried for AWHILE. Thank-God for Dr. Caroline Leaf teaching me that crying is one of the ways the body actually returns itself back to homeostasis. I kept encouraging myself as I sobbed that I was just rebalancing, but also I was grateful that none of the horrible case scenarios had happened and also processing whether my response had been equal to the circumstances and struggling with any shame in the response I had because Kris Vallotton also taught that the beliefs you have of certain circumstances reveal what you truly believe about God and and and...
you know what, I'm human and I'm a mom and I am learning how to do this well and there is grace for where I'm at right now, just like there's grace for all of us trying to do the right thing. There is grace for the process, revelation in humility and maturity in endurance...
there's grace for all of us trying to do the right thing
I didn't punish her if you're wondering. I left it up to my husband to talk to her and evaluate any action. I didn't want to discipline out of my emotions. I don't know if that is right, but it's what I chose to do. I just can't see Jesus disciplining me when I don't know what I'm doing- even if those actions have consequences. I mean, that was His prayer in regards to the onlookers as He gave His life on the cross..."Forgive them for they know not what they're doing."
Now, let's be clear...sometimes people, our children, know exactly what they're doing- that's different. However, as kids are growing and learning there is bound to be fall-out from decisions they make that were never their intention. I believe that happened in this scenario. Can you imagaine if God punished us every time we made a wrong decision when we didn't realize what the consequences could potentially be? How much we would potentially hurt someone? Again- thank GOD He is always double-backing and covering and forgiving and processing and giving us opportunities to learn.
I feel like someone needs to hear this "God is not punishing you! He knows you had no idea that things would look this way. He has already covered all of this with his grace and mercy through Jesus....you don't need to prove anything to Him and where there are places to take responsibility of anything- those places are the places of great reward and revelation when you return to them in humility. They are the "return to home moments".
What did God say to me in the moment of fear? He told me to "Go Home". In retrospect, if I had fully listened and trusted- I would have gone home, got my car and probably intercepted her on the way to get my son on time. Yet, I chose to make the decisions I did in the process and probably incur more pain and suffering in them....
I guess my point in sharing this story is God's grace and provision and direction for me as a mom IS the source and picture I have to reveal to my kids as I parent them. How does God parent me? What does God do with me in my choices and how can I mirror that to my children? When I've turned around and ran the opposite direction- how does He react? What does He do? AND Do I trust that He parents and loves my kids to the degree He does for me? In effect, do I trust Him with my kids- HIS kids?
There is so much in this story for me. I know that as my kids grow there is a real element that involves them moving away from their dad and I. That process is hard when I don't recognize that any independence from me isn't space or independence from God's love and protection. My kid's are loved and protected and secure beyond my capabilities. That's a hard one to grasp- but one I'm willing to learn and grow in faith for.
I know there will be more times like this in our future, but I'm also hopeful that being intentional about learning from my current experiences will give me the faith for future experiences, because, He IS faithful.
To all you parents out there- I know you're doing your best.....Your best is still your own process and learning curve. Love those kids with all your heart, trust Jesus and give yourself a break when things don't go the way you planned.
His grace IS sufficient.
Lyns
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